Growing up has never been as hard as it’s been in the last 4-5 years. Ever since I finished university I feel like I’ve been forced to realise who I am, what I want and figure out a life plan when my original life plan of becoming a world famous expert witness failed miserably. I don’t function well outside of school environment. It’s not even that I failed, I was never given a chance to fail, I never even had an interview for that forensic job I was dreaming about and told I’d easily get after finishing KCL.
It is my 31st birthday tomorrow and I am sitting here in my parent’s house feeling rather weird. I came here to be at my dad’s 60th bday, sacrificing my own birthday I was supposed to have with friends in Berlin. I will have it next weekend instead. I’d prefer not to get into the details of how my visit here went.
Let’s revisit how I felt last year:
“So about 2 weeks ago I have turned 30.
About 1 day after I have lost my bank card. About 4 weeks before that I have lost my job. About 5 weeks after I manage to get a quote on how much unemployment money I should be receiving. About 1 min after that I decided it would probably be better to find another job.
My plan was to take this unemployment time as a chance to find myself. People go to India for that, I, due to lack of funds and in a futile hope to receive some, go to the Jobcenter.
It’s been about 6 weeks now. What have I discovered?
I have no passions and no interests. I’m fairly good at most things, but I get bored before I even start the thing. I have no idea what job I would like to do next and the job I studied for is not going to happen due to lack of open positions, my lack of experience and the stubbornness of my dumb brain that refuses to speak German.
I don’t remember the last time I have read a book. I don’t remember the last time I researched something I was interested in (artist, musician, world news, new horrible disease I think I probably have). I do excessively research the people I have a crush on (some call it stalking), but this has very little self development value and brings more frustration than joy.
So one day I had an epiphany – I SHOULD KILL MYSELF! Because what else is there to do for someone with no passion and no direction in life?
10 years ago I was supposed to be a successful vet. Than a successful forensic expert witness. Now I’m a very successful waste of space.”
The tone of this entry is, as always, grim and cynical, just as I was. At this point, sitting here in my parents house feeling inadequate and disappointed I want to say that I still am grim and cynical and just very sad, but I am not. This is temporary, this is today.
I am much better than I was last year, 2, 3 or 5 years ago. I am…… happy? Well, moderately happy. And I have my bank card. 3 even.
I have finished the course and passed my C1 German certificate. Even though I am still shit scared to talk in German my job forces me to do it so I do it and people seem to understand what I want from them – fantastic. I have a job that is decent and pays more than my previous jobs. The next step will be to get more home office days and remote work arrangements. I would like to learn skills that would allow me to travel more and not being bound to my desk 9-6 Monday to Friday. I am still not sure what my passions are and what I’d love to do, I have however discovered more and more things I don’t want to do, and that is good. Elimination is a first step to start making more mindful decisions.
I have fallen in and out of love with a few people last year, I have visited my friends and they visited me, I haven’t traveled as much as I’d like to but I went to Budapest, Leiden, The Hague, Hamburg, Bucharest and drove through the Transfăgărășan road. I have met new fantastic people and learned a lot about myself. I would like to believe I am more open, trusting, less scared and nervous, I am more myself, the self I was when I was younger. My best self.
Unfortunately I still mostly agree with the part where I say I have no interest and get bored easily but I am definitely getting better. I read and explore information much more than I did in the last years, I go to the gym, I am signing up for Italian course, started bouldering and I am preparing for a trip that has always been my dream – Israel. Still can’t decide where to go exactly and how long to stay as I want to see it all, but I also want to relax. We’ll see. Any tips? Holler at me!
I really don’t know if that much has changed for me to make a deep and insightful summary. What’s most important is that I’m still alive and that in itself is a small victory!